(no subject)

[calledmegentle]

 When Aslan had called her and Peter aside to speak with Him after lunch one morning, Susan had felt her heart drop to her stomach in dread. She knew-- or suspected, really-- what the Lion was going to say, and she didn't want to hear it. Wanted to flee from him as though not hearing the words would make them any less true.

But she and Peter had agreed to the meeting nonetheless-- easily and calmly, in Peter's case; hesitatingly in hers. She'd avoided meeting Caspian's gaze the rest of the time up to the meeting, afraid of what her eyes may say. Afraid of what his might.

She couldn't help but ask as soon as she and Peter and Aslan were alone if this was the end. If He was sending them back for good, this time. The Lion had looked at her with a knowing expression as Peter's breath had caught beside her-- Her elder brother clearly had not thought of that possibility, or at least had not let himself think it.

When Aslan said yes, she thought she was going to break in half. When He clarified that it was Peter's last time, she couldn't breathe for the shock of it. Peter had asked why, and the Lion had informed her brother that he had learned all he could, but that she had an opportunity here she would not be able to have in their home. 

More was said, then, both to Peter and herself, and she absorbed it as well as she could. Her heart ached for her brother, and she'd embraced him when the conversation ended before letting him go be on his own for a time to process the news and figure out how to break it to their siblings.

She was sorrowful for the fact that she would lose him, and likely not see her other two siblings again for some time, if at all, and the tears that filled her eyes at the thought of it made her a little blinded as she made her way to think on her own.

But at the same time, the tears in her eyes were also ones of relief. She was going to be allowed to stay, to be home.

To love as she had been trying to hold herself back from.

Comments

[adexuate]

It's hard, the way she avoids his eyes, the way she's suddenly impossible to place himself beside. It hurts, just a little, if he's honest. Caspian presses on nevertheless; Peter and Edmund's approval secured, he takes the time when the elder King and Queen vanish to seek the youngest, most valiant of the Old Monarchs for her own brand of approval.

It's incredibly painful, when he does see Susan again, to note instantly the pain in her face--the tears in her eyes. It hurts, a great deal. Caspian almost pauses, almost turns away completely to allow her space and time alone to process whatever it is she's been burdened with.

But how can he, when he loves her? How can he, when she's allowed him the honour of asking to court her?

"...Susan?" He approaches slowly, at least, not quite reaching out for her in the quiet seclusion he's found her in. "What's...?"

[calledmegentle]

She doesn't actually notice him approaching, but it's quiet where she's hidden herself away. His soft words easily break through her thoughts.

"Oh-- Caspian." She brushes, a little vainly, at the tears on her cheeks and tries for a smile, "Forgive me, I'm-- not at my best."

[adexuate]

One hand moves to join hers in brushing at the tears, but hesitates. Uncertainty, at least, is familiar enough for him.

"What's happened?" Something had, clearly. Something since the last time they had spoken had made her not at her best. "How-- how can we help?"

They must be able to, mustn't they? All of Narnia, after all, would surely throw itself into the ring for the much-beloved queen.

[calledmegentle]

She catches at his hand, squeezing it even as the tears spill out with another trembling breath. She has to press the heels of her palm against her eyes and rub at her cheeks before she can reply.

"There's nothing that-- needs to be done, for me," she says shakily, "And, I'm afraid-- nothing that can be done, for my siblings. Aslan... Aslan wills they return. They're-- they're going back. To-- England."

And she is left, once again and for good, now, to hold down the fort in the land they call home.

[adexuate]

His fingers squeeze instantly tight around hers, the other hand lifting to brush rather protectively at a few strands of her hair. The grip only tightens as she speaks, as the words break painfully over his own heart.

It takes a moment before he can stammer a reply. "They're... not-- forever, are they?"

He can't quite focus on the fact she hasn't explained herself. Not yet.

[calledmegentle]

She leans a little towards the hand brushing her hair away. The heartbreak on her face is clear as she works her way through an answer.

"Peter-- Peter's time in Narnia is done. He'll-- not be coming back."

And oh, how it pains her to think, for her brother's sake, even if a part of her is grateful it's him and not her going back. Her brother will find his way in their world, find a place for himself to grow into the Magnificence of their rule. She would have been entirely lost to find one for herself, had she been the one to go back.

"Edmund a-and Lucy will be coming back-- at least, I think that's what Aslan meant. Though I-- don't know when."

[adexuate]

Peter's time here is done.

It's strange. His relationship with the High King had been the most painful to start, but now, hearing that he's not coming back... His breath stops painfully for a moment. Even that Edmund and Lucy might not come back before the turning of the next century has his head spinning slightly.

He needs to grip her arm to stay upright. He can't think beyond the fact that he's losing them.

[calledmegentle]

That's fine, because she can't quite process things, herself. They'll both be clinging to one another to stay upright, stay breathing.

"They'll be leaving the day after tomorrow," she says quietly, "I don't know if the thought ever occured to Lucy; it'll break her heart. She and Peter never seemed to stop to suspect that we'd be forced to go back again once we were done here--"

She and Edmund both had been better about thinking it. Her voice cracks a little at the thought of her younger siblings' sorrow.

[adexuate]

"Will she be all right?" He can't think quite straight. He can't focus properly. His fingers grip tighter at her arm. "Will-- will Peter be all right?"

Edmund he didn't have a huge amount of worry for. Susan... Susan he wasn't prepared to think about.

[calledmegentle]

"They'll-- they'll be okay. They'll-- muddle through and find their way. Lucy's young still-- in that world and at heart, really-- so she'll adjust just fine. And Peter... Peter may have a rough time of it, but Edmund will help him sort it out. It'll probably help to know he's actually leaving Narnia in capable hands-- this time."

Because that had been part of the concern, the first time around.

[adexuate]

The old nerves are strong in his sudden little laugh. "In-- mine?"

It's only that the news is overwhelming. It's only that the world is so unsettled he almost forgets himself.

Finds, after a breath, solace--finds the man he's growing properly into--as he forces himself to ask, "In... ours, Susan?"

[calledmegentle]

She shifts, then, takes his hand and manages a small, shaky smile.

"...In ours, Caspian."

[adexuate]

It feels selfish to take such immense relief in the knowledge. It feels unkind to be pleased that they, at least, can have this happiness of being together.

It takes a moment for his breath to come back to him--for his arms to fumble into clutching her tighter again. Words simply fail him.

[calledmegentle]

Being held by him makes it worlds easier to breathe, for all that she is still aching over the impending departure from her loved ones. Being held by him reminds her that there are loved ones here that she will not be parted from. It's not a fair trade; not even a trade, necessarily. But it helps to soften the blow.

Her words are soft against his ear, slipping out between shaky hitches of breath, "I love you, Caspian."

[adexuate]

She's real. She's still here. He's not going to have to stop clinging to this critical piece of happiness. His exhale is somewhere between a laugh and a sob as he moves to press a firm kiss to her cheek.

"I-- I love you, Susan."

And would be allowed to forever now.

[calledmegentle]

They have all the time in this world. Perhaps even the next. It's such an overwhelming relief when she thought they would have barely any time together.

"Thank-- Thank you."

[adexuate]

"There's nothing to thank me for," he murmurs softly as he bends down more fully, pulls himself more properly into holding her. "I've done-- nothing but follow the most natural impulse in the world."

How could he not love her? How could anyone not? Had not the world been full of suitors for her hand thousands of years ago?

"Thank you."

[calledmegentle]

"Don't thank me, either," she murmurs, correcting the both of them towards gratefulness for the One truly to thank, "Thank Aslan. For letting you call us here and-- for letting me stay."

[adexuate]

"Every-- every day." How can he not? How can they not? What morning will they not wake up with a prayer of thanksgiving and joy on their lips, and what night will they not fall into rest with affirmations of the deepest gratitude? "For the rest of our lives."

[calledmegentle]

"For the rest of our lives."

There's a soft sort of happiness in her voice as she echoes him, because the use of the word 'our' is a welcome one.

"Through the good times and the bad ones."

And maybe it's too soon to be promising their lives to one another, but they've also fought side by side. Delivered their nation to freedom side by side. Had their love blessed by Aslan himself. Surely that was something worth promising?

[adexuate]

If it's not too soon to fall in love, it's surely not too soon to intend that love to last as long as they're allowed it. Had Aslan given them one day or the rest of their lives, the devotion would have been the same, after all.

"You will be-- loved and honoured all the days of my life, Susan."

And that's a promise he's more than willing to make without a second thought.

[calledmegentle]

"As you will be for all of mine."

And how startling it is, after all these years of either not being old enough to or never finding quite the right person, to find the one she was willing to make that promise to a thousand years after she thought she would.

[adexuate]

There's hesitance in leaning down, pressing an almost nervous kiss to her cheek. There's nerves so much more potent for the jangling of almost having lost her.

There's a lifetime ahead of them to learn how to love one another properly.